A friend of mine invited me to an acquaintance’s stagette on Thursday night, and since I have never been to a stagette before, I thought it might be fun to see what it was all about. The bride-to-be had insisted that she wanted a stripper, which was met with much reluctance by her friends, but they obliged anyway. We ended up forking over $150 for some guy named Dean who had to have been the worst stripper ever. He was supposed to be twenty-eight, but he could not have been less than thirty-five. When he entered the house, he seemed not to know how to make an entrance. He just peeked his head around the corner and said quietly “Is this the right house?” We, of course, did not help to make his arrival smooth, because we weren’t quite sure how you are supposed to greet a man you’ve never met who is about to take off all his clothes in your living room. He took his shoes and socks off right away before he even started. I don’t know why it seemed strange to start out barefoot, but it did. Maybe he had never figured out how to remove his socks seductively. He put his cd in the cd player, selected the first song, and started to dance in a truly unsexy, 1980s fashion for the bride-to-be. He would step from side to side with each foot and then wiggle his hips back forth, being careful not venture into any dangerous areas involving arm movements are alternative footwork. He removed his shirt during the first song, and then his routine really began to slide down hill. He stopped dancing, walked over to the cd player, and selected a second song. He hadn’t burned his cd so that the songs played one after another, so he had to stop after each one and fiddle with the cd player. During the second song, he undid the fly on his jeans and alternately gave us little peeks at his yellow g-string or his remarkably hairless ass, which he made sure to position about six inches from each of our faces. After the conclusion of the second song, he went to fiddle with the cd player again, and then he did something so awfully anti-climactic – he took off his pants in between songs while standing behind the bride-to-be’s chair. He didn’t even incorporate the pants removal part into his act. That’s the most important part! I found that to be completely unforgivable. At this point, the whole thing was seeming more and more pathetic. He spent the rest of his act gyrating his yellow, g-stringed crotch in our faces. It was awful. We felt kind of bad for him and asked him to stay for a beer and a cigarette afterward. He told us that he had been doing this as a side gig for about seventeen years. Seventeen years, and this lame act was all he had come up with? Sad, sad, sad. The positive thing that came out of this terrible evening is that my curiosity about male stripping has been completely satiated. The negative thing that came out of this terrible evening is that I now have the memory of it set in my brain for the rest of my life.
Oh, and at the stagette, the hostess’ t-shirt read “Confucius Fortune Cookies.” Enough already.
Here’s a piece on Marion Nestle, a great critic of the food industry in America.
Stripping Facts and Links:
* Take this “Amateur Male Strippers: Would You Do It?” poll.
* I didn’t know that a lot of people equate belly dancing with stripping, but I guess they do.
* Daryl Hannah will be appearing in the November issue of Playboy.
* Apparently stripping isn’t cool. I didn’t know you could take pole dancing lessons! I just have one question: where do you practice?
* A strip search in a U.S. prison is when the inmate must remove all clothing stripping completely naked for the guard(s). The guards then go through the clothing and will typically view all external areas of the inmate. This includes a close inspection of the entire nude body including the genital area, which usually entails the inmate having to lift his penis allowing the guard(s) to view the underside of the penis and top of balls, to pull his testicles to the right, left and then up for viewing beneath the scrotum and to view the backside of the balls. When uncircumcised, the guards often ask the inmate to roll back the penis foreskin for inspection underneath and around the head of the penis, presumably looking for small quantities of drugs. Female correctional guards may now freely and routinely conduct full strip searches as well as visual body cavity searches of all male inmates without any male guards being present.
* A review of Naked News, a show where the anchors strip while they deliver the stories.
* The idea of vein stripping revolts me, and I pray that my legs remain young-looking and healthy for many years to come.