Things I've Noticed Lately

Things I've noticed lately:

  • The toenail on my left baby toe is all purplish-black. It doesn't look all that alarming, because the nails on my pinky toes are so small that they are mere slivers to begin with, but what bothers me is that I don't remember how it happened. Sometime during the afternoon on Saturday, it became really painful to put pressure on the side of that toe. It looked completely normal. It wasn't even pinker than usual. By Sunday it was purplish-black. I have never lost a toenail before, but if I have to at least once in my life, I'm glad it's the tiny sliver of a nail that is on my left baby toe.
  • When I was on the bus yesterday, a university student got on, and written on her hand in big, capital letters were the words "IT'S NOT FAIR". It had probably been written by someone else, because the words faced a direction opposite to the one that she would have been able to write in. I wondered what didn't seem fair to this friend of hers. I wondered if she agreed with what was written on her hand.
  • I looked out the staff room window during my lunch break today, and just in front of the steps and five feet away from me through the wall, was a foreign student putting up an art project. He had lain newspapers down to form a solid five feet by five feet square. On top of the paper he had created what looked to be some kind of rough map made with piles of loose dirt, twigs, some palm-sized rocks, and a couple of bricks. The square was outlined with a wall of more loose dirt into which he had stuck approximately fifty sticks of incense, which he was patiently trying to light in the wind one by one, sucking on the thumb that he kept burning on the overheating lighter. He also had a small ghetto blaster with photographs taped to it on a short brick wall and a supply of batteries stacked next to it. Japanese characters covered his bare arms and legs with an amazing violence.
  • The rabbit seems to be intent on sitting really close to me to the point where he will try to squeeze himself between me and the arm of the chair even if my feet are in the way. Also, it's spring. From what I've read on bunnies, he could be humping my leg any day now. Maybe he's trying to woo me. Apparently, male rabbits are quite the wooers. I could have my vehwy own widdow bunny wunny boyfwend soon.
  • It is not wise to eat nothing but carbohydrate-type foods for an entire weekend. My diet on the weekend consisted of white cheddar macaroni, that delicious garlic bread loaf you can buy at most grocery stores, and popcorn. I ate not a stitch of any vegetable or fruit matter, unless you count the green chives flakes in the garlic loaf. I was left feeling sick, tired, and bloated at the end of it all but so satisfyingly full of the doughy goodness.
  • Despite my weekend spent bingeing on the evil side of nutrition, a belt that I have not been able to do up since several months before I got married almost three years ago finally fit again this morning. Hallelujah.
  • The birds are back in town.
  • Smoking a joint in a crowded club before taking a sip from a warm flat can of Pilsner (the brand name, not the type) makes what is already a lame beer taste distinctly like hairspray.
  • No matter how intoxicated I have managed to get while trying to keep up with the birthday boy, his drunken recitation of a soliloquy from Shakespeare’s Henry the Fifth simply does not beg for my attention, especially when the birthday boy must expel unorthodox amounts of hot air directly into my breathing space in order to follow it through to completion.
  • When a fix-it guy comes into your apartment to repair the bathroom walls while you’re at work, and he has to sand the plaster smooth, he may not necessarily have the sense to close the bathroom door so that your entire apartment doesn’t become coated with a fine, white dust. This dust may be found even in the furthest reaches of your apartment, and when you get into bed at the end of a long day, you may notice that your sheets and your quilt are completely covered in the finest powder, and you may also notice that any spare sheets and blankets in the apartment have also been covered in the finest powder. In your mind, you may plot several ways to prune years off the fix-it guy’s life.
  • Frank Black of the Pixies is the fattest, sweatiest, and ugliest middle-aged man to ever get me hot.

    Not surprisingly, the United States army has sent mentally ill troops to Iraq.

    My friend, Vlad, once proclaimed this to be the greatest Christian rock song of all time.

    Mrs. Cheney wrote historical lesbian fiction! Who knew?

  • Nightmares, An Apology To Me, And An Apology To Luvabeans

    Me In My Little Boat On An Endless Sea Sucking On Hard Tack