One Hundred Things In A List In No Apparent Order

  1. My favourite black and white film so far has got to be "Sunset Boulevard". It is a surprisingly sophisticated film for its time (1950).

  2. My favourite jacket I ever owned was a bright red bunnyhug (or kangaroo/hoodie/whatchmacallit) that zipped all the way up the front. When I think back to a certain time in my childhood, a still image of me in that red jacket on a fall day always comes to mind. I can see myself as though I am taking my own photograph. My hood is always up, and I am always smiling like the three-year-old that I am.

  3. The song “Edelweiss” used to move me to tears.
  4. Without my glasses, I am quite blind. I can see clearly for about six inches in front of my face, and then it gets blurry. If we lived in wild packs out on the plain, I would have been picked off long ago.
  5. I suppose you could say that 4 is my favourite number, although that is not quite correct. I actually don’t particularly like the number, but none of the other single digit ones seem to fit. 4 it is.
  6. Today, the moon is the waxing gibbous kind at 93.2% full. I was born under a waning moon.
  7. I heard about a parrot recently that has a large vocabulary. His keeper says that the parrot talks in his sleep, asking for crackers and muttering people’s names. This tickles me.
  8. I started smoking when I was fifteen. It was August. The group of friends I had at the time were completely against smoking, as was everyone else in my life, except my father, who occasionally tried quitting. I stole one of his cigarettes one evening, snuck out to the deck, sat on the steps, and smoked it. It was like I had always smoked. I inhaled, the taste and smell were agreeable to me, and I even figured out how to french inhale during this first cigarette. I now occasionally try quitting. Why I started smoking without any social pressure to do so is beyond me.
  9. One of my favourite lowbrow meals is to cook up a box of white cheddar and macaroni and throw in a whole bunch of greek seasoning.
  10. One of my favourite less than lowbrow meals is bloody steak. I don’t eat much meat, especially of the red variety, but every now and again I crave a $20 bloody steak. I like to mix the excess blood on the plate into my mashed potatoes.
  11. I am busy killing all my houseplants right now and feel very little guilt about the process. The Fiery One is greatly irked by this.
  12. Brown twine is comforting and right. Since I moved to Cityville, my apartment has been without a ball of twine, that is until recently, when I found the perfect ball of brown jute twine at a dollar store. It has been sitting on my computer desk ever since, still in its original wrapping, but there is a comfort in knowing I have such a thing.
  13. I hated algebra in highschool. It was all I could do to stay awake, until a teacher told me in grade twelve that it was really a class in logic to teach my brain how to think. I wish someone had told me that earlier. I wouldn’t have ended up upgrading the class after graduation.
  14. I used to take organ lessons. My mother was the church organist, and I think she was hoping that I would follow in her footsteps. My greatest achievement was mastering “Scotland the Brave” for a recital. I chose this piece for its pure annoyance factor, as there was a suitable “bagpipes” setting for it on the organ, which I insisted on using. That recital signalled the end of my last year of organ lessons.
  15. I find it endearing when people call me things like “honey”, “kid”, “sweetie”, “darling”, “doll”, and “sugar”. I wish I could get away with calling other people things like that, but it sounds ridiculous coming out of my mouth.
  16. I have read One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez four times, and it sets me on edge to see it shelved under “M” instead of “G” in bookstores and libraries. When I used to work in a bookstore in Cosmopolis, the inventory manager and I had a tug-of-war over the author. One day I would move him to the Gs, the next she would move him to the Ms. It was months before I gave in begrudgingly.
  17. My favourite fruit is the banana, even though they make me cough.
  18. I insist on working around books despite my apparent allergy to them. There are thousands of chemicals that go into the paper, ink, and glue used to make them, so I can’t isolate what it is about them that causes me to sneeze and turns my eyes red. Some books even make the skin itch on my arms.
  19. I was born and raised a Mennonite, but I am not religious whatsoever.
  20. My favourite book in elementary school was George Orwell’s 1984. I read it eight times.
  21. I did not know that the moon rose and set until I was twenty. At the time, I thought it was the most beautiful thing.
  22. In early puberty, I liked to burn things. I kept it small, like piles of leaves, boxes, personal effects. My obsession began to change over time, and I would only set fires to burn the dead. I would work over a fire for great lengths of time trying to incinerate every last remain that would burn. It can take an amazingly long time to break down a gopher or a crow carcass. My mother caught me at it once in the yard and became very quiet when she saw what I had been doing. The shame I felt was so powerful that I never did it again. I was a weird kid.
  23. I have one tattoo, it’s on my butt, and no, you can’t see it.
  24. If you pick at your fingernails in such a way that I can hear the click-click-ticky-snap of it, I will be unable to speak to you until you quit.
  25. If you chew your food so that I can audibly hear the smacking of your mastication, I will be unable to speak to you until you quit.
  26. One of the greatest influences in my life is my older brother, Ward. He is about three-and-a-half years older than I am. I spent a good deal of my childhood helping to care for him, because he suffers from multiple injuries/disabilities: cerebral palsy, scar tissue on the brain from two strokes that occurred in utero, shortening of the achilles tendons, grand mal seizures, autism, and water in his left knee that is about the size of a dodgeball. He is unable to speak, has no fine motor skills, must be fed by hand, and mostly gets around on his hands and knees. Normally you think of someone like this as having a more vacant look about them, but he has the brightest eyes and the most mischievous personality. I thank him for my ability to love.
  27. I love lists. They are orderly. They begin and they end so tidily.
  28. When I graduated highschool, I was only 5"3", but I did not stop growing until I was twenty-six, when I topped out at around 5"7". If I kept growing at that point, they were going to check me for brain tumours.
  29. ”Milkmoney” is the name I originally wanted for this weblog. I picked it, and then promptly forgot my password. Now I am Schmutzie.
  30. It is easier for me to write in reverse with my left hand than the proper way around, although it is really messy. It is even easier for me to write simultaneously with both hands, the right hand writing properly and the left in mirror image.
  31. I have suffered from depression since I can remember, which is about the age of two. Over the last few years it has changed a bit and is now tinged with anxiety. This is actually a good turn, because I am less likely to lie in bed for days on end contemplating my mortality. I would have to stay still for too long.
  32. I love handbags and would start a collection of them if I could, but I have way to much crap that I feel compelled to carry around with me, so I stick with my satchel. I worry sometimes that grown women are supposed to stop carrying sacks. This is one of the most ridiculous worries I have.
  33. I had a severe reaction to penicillin the last time I took it several years ago, and if I ever take it again, I could die without medical attention. I don’t have a medic alert bracelet anymore, so one of my fears is that I will be in a car accident and some doctor will give me penicillin while I’m unconscious. This is another ridiculous worry.
  34. I used to go through periods of starvation and then overeating, which has left my brain unable to tell my body not to feel hungry. If I eat a whole schwack of food to the point of nearly bursting, I can lose the feeling of hunger for maybe half an hour. I’m hungry now. If I ate something, I would still be hungry. I will be hungry for the rest of my life.
  35. I have this thing for clean, tidy-looking hands. I have never been able to get together with a man whose nails weren’t short, smooth around the edges, and dirt-free.
  36. I still like prizes in cereal and plastic toys from those quarter machines.
  37. Fall is the season I would choose if it had to be one season for the rest of my life. Fall means that the light has that long, golden hue and I can wear almost anything from my wardrobe given the proper coat, and fall coats are the best coats.
  38. The early light of dawn is terribly distressing to me. If I am ever awake when it starts to get light, I will try to fall asleep right away, and if I can’t do that, I will at least lie in bed with the covers over my head so I don’t have to see it. One time I was stuck outside when I lost the keys to my apartment and ended up watching the slow blue light rising and crying quietly until 6 am. I have never forgotten the immeasurable sadness that filled me that morning.
  39. The only countries I have been to other than Canada are the United States and Bermuda. My husband’s mother is from Bermuda.
  40. I can’t tell how far something is from me if it is moving toward me quickly, which means that I was never into most sports and driving on the highway at night is a bit dodgy.
  41. When I was five years old, I wanted to be a truck driver, get a tattoo, and have my own apartment. My mother looked horrified when I told here. I’ve always aimed high.
  42. I once had to mercy-kill a pigeon. The only thing handy was a shovel. Believe me, if you are going to mercy-kill a sizeable bird, don’t use a shovel.
  43. I decided to lose my virginity as soon as I turned nineteen. The only boy willing was my friend’s little brother. Believe me, if you are going to lose your virginity, don’t do it with your friend’s little brother.
  44. There is intelligent life on other planets, and don’t even try arguing that one with me.
  45. I not-so-secretly suspect that we are half alien and that that is how humanity came about. I would be interested in your arguments for or against, because I’m just guessing on this one.
  46. I started greying when I was fifteen. I have quite a bit of it now, but the rest of my hair has turned so mousey that you can hardly tell. I dye it not to cover the grey, which I like, but the mousiness, which no one should have to live with.
  47. There is one thing that makes me really sad about the marching forward of technology. I love the warm dampness of a freshly mimeographed sheet of paper. The smell is divine. I took a secretarial course years ago, and one assignment was to run off one hundred good copies on a mimeograph machine. That was my favourite assignment.
  48. I got braces when I was thirteen, because the orthodontist figured that I was going to go deaf if I didn’t wear them.
  49. The first music I ever owned was a cassette tape – “Music Box Dancer” by Frank Mills. My little brother thought I would like it for my birthday.
  50. The second cassette tape I ever owned was Lionel Ritchie’s “Can’t Slow Down”. My parents thought I would like it and bought it for me when they were away on a trip together.
  51. The first rock song I remember really liking was Depeche Mode’s “People Are People”. I had picked up the notion that rock music might be evil and worried what my enjoyment of the song might mean for the welfare of my soul. I came to my senses and started listening to the Dead Milkmen.
  52. I have never broken a bone, despite falling off my parents roof, being hit by vehicles five different times while riding my bike, being in two car accidents, and falling out of two trees.
  53. I have only punched somebody once. It was my cousin. We were sharing a bed at our grandparents’ on Christmas Eve, and she was talking shit. I hate it when people talk shit.
  54. I almost always have a song stuck in my head. “Roll Out the Barrel” and “I’m a Little Teapot” are longtime standards. I’m learning to live with it.
  55. I will not eat anything that once had a shell unless you count eggs and birds. Shrimp, crab, lobster – these all horrify me, especially the little pink shrimp. They look like foetuses.
  56. I used to eat LSD like candy. I think that period of my life actually helped my mental condition, but I would not recommend it for most citizens.
  57. Someone else’s wet feet touching my wet feet revolts me. It is hateful. If any rubbing of our wet feet occurs, I am nearly driven to nausea. This could be related to the time when I was about eleven years old, and I went to a swimming pool with a friend of mine. I was hanging on to the side of the pool in the deep end when this guy in his forties starting rubbing his foot against mine and looking at me in a way that I immediately understood had to do with sex. It didn’t upset me or anything. I just thought that the guy was a huge loser.
  58. I like miniature things. If it looks like something that is normally larger but happens to be tiny, I’m all over it.
  59. I am obsessed with death. The truth of my mortality keeps me up at night. I thought this obsession would go away once I got out of high school and my hormones evened out a bit, but it didn’t. Sometimes it feels like I’m falling through the air, flailing my arms wildly in a futile attempt to find something to grab on to or at least to slow me down. There is nothing. I just keep falling faster and faster.
  60. I am particularly fond of the way leafless trees look like gnarled hands and fingers pushing their way out of the ground. They look like statues.
  61. I occasionally throw out half of everything I own – books, clothing, knick-knacks, etc. It makes me feel clean again. I haven’t done this in a few years, and the urge is starting to hit hard. As a result of this occasional purging, I own very little from any part of my life longer than five years ago. I regret tossing nothing.
  62. If I push and hold my nose to one side or the other for any longer than thirty seconds, it stays that way.
  63. I am into crafting but rarely finish any of my projects unless they can be done within one or two days. I don’t have a very high level of stick-to-it-iveness. I can knit, make candles, collage, decoupage, make cool relief art, do beadwork, make hemp jewellery, sew quilts and handbags, make journals, fold origami, make smelly bath crystals, etc. Would you like half a scarf? How about a bracelet with no clasp?
  64. The smell of bleach used to make me almost vomit. Now when I smell it, I just try to stop breathing and get away from it as quickly as possible.
  65. I love Scrabble and go through periods during which I will play it obsessively. I am much too proud that I know words like “zarf” and “yogini”. The Fiery One won’t play with me, because I am much too cutthroat and will try to screw over my opponent any time it might be in my best interest, but he bought me a book anyway about Scrabble players called Word Freak by Stefan Fatsis.
  66. I often consider going vegetarian and have really good arguments to support my decision, and then I don’t do it. Why? It’s that stick-to-it-iveness thing again. There’s just so much meat in the world and I often forget myself.
  67. I used to have terrible troubles with my tonsils. They would swell up and get infected every time I stayed up late. When I went to a doctor about it, he said that I had probably had a low-level infection in my tonsils for at least five years, and that the infection would have been slowly leaking into my bloodstream. He suggested that this might be the cause of my mental disorder and put me on some of the strongest antibiotics he could prescribe, and to tell the truth, I gradually became much more sane afterward.
  68. If you love me, don’t give me flowers. They smell like old ladies. Well, that’s not entirely true. I found out that I do like freesias when the Fiery One gave me some when we were dating.
  69. When I had the first two of my wisdom teeth removed at the age of twenty-one, I found out that I was impervious to freezing. After several attempts at pulling the teeth and finding that the next round of needles hadn’t taken yet again, the teeth were wedged part way up, so they had to be pulled come hell or high water. I couldn’t afford laughing gas, so a dental assistant sat on my arms while the dentist yanked them out without anything to dull the pain. I stumbled home and cried the rest of the afternoon. When I went to get the other two out, I apparently sucked back enough gas to knock out two men.
  70. Men who protest abortion can kiss my ass.
  71. I can move my second and baby toes individually from my other toes.
  72. All my dreams are in colour. I can never taste or smell in my dreams. I almost never hear in them, either, unless the sound is supposed to be very loud or jarring.
  73. I remember the first time it really hit me that there was something in life that I could never go back to. It was when my mother’s parents sold their house to move into a condominium. They had this space under the stairs going to the second floor that you could get into through a little door off my grandfather’s study. My grandmother called it a closet and kept piles of old blankets and pillows in there. I used to sneak away from the rest of the family and crawl into there, pulling the door closed behind me. I would bury myself in the blankets, listen to the muffled voices swimming through the thin closet walls, and wish that I could stay there forever. When they moved, I would never be able to see this closet again. It was a place that I could no longer go to. Only a memory of it remains. There should be a name for the feeling of missing the ability to go to a place, not the missing of the place itself exactly, but the missing of it as a possibility.
  74. If I ever get a cat, I will secretly delight in thinking of it as Stick Insect, but out loud it will probably be called Sugar.
  75. One summer, the Fiery One and I went up to the lake to visit my family. It was early in the season, so it was still cold, and we had to wear our winter jackets. The northern lights were the biggest and brightest I have ever seen them. They covered the whole dome of the night sky so wildly that our faces looked green. Lying with him on the cold sand in the middle of the night marvelling at the spectacle and freezing despite our winter coats was one of the best things to ever happen to me.
  76. I love rocks. I love how they look lying around like they do.
  77. I had a secret crush on Nancy McKeon when I was a kid. She played Jo on the television show “The Facts of Life”.
  78. My best friend in elementary school had one pointy ear and one pointy ear that curled over at the top. I always thought it was a deformity until I saw her mother’s ears. Hers did the exact same thing, but she wore her hair over them to hide them.
  79. I have three circular scars on my face from the time when I burned all the skin off it with Drano when I was one-and-a-half years old. The doctors thought that I might look really ugly, but most people don’t even notice the scars I am left with.
  80. I had almost no interest in getting my driver’s license, so parents pretty much forced me into it when I was nineteen. The Fiery One has never had his license.
  81. I have days where I am plagued by one of two smells – wet dog or bitter-smelling mould. It makes it difficult to eat food on days like that.
  82. I was supposed to go to my parents’ house for supper one night, but a couple of my friends abducted me before I could go. They put me in handcuffs and didn’t take them off until we were almost at the U.S. border. When I called my mother later that night to explain that the reason I hadn’t shown up for supper was that I had been kidnapped and taken to the United States, she didn’t believe me.
  83. When I was twenty-five, I spent the summer only dating men who were over forty.
  84. Don’t say “panties”. Please. It is such paedophilic word.
  85. I was banned from wrestling in elementary school, because I dislocated a boy’s elbow. They put an inflatable splint on his arm and took him away in an ambulance.
  86. I was raised a pacifist.
  87. I never own enough condiments. If I want peanut sauce, mustard, or plum sauce, I won’t have it. I never remember this when I’m grocery shopping.
  88. I had a boss once who requested that if I were to make out with a certain female co-worker that it be in front of him. He even threw a party in hope that she and I would kiss at it. We didn't.
  89. I really, really like coffee. I’m thinking about coffee right now. We are presently out of coffee. Sigh.
  90. My mother is really religious, and when she suddenly gets into a worry panic over me, she prays for me. There was a period of my life in my mid-twenties when I would be lying in bed trying to fall asleep, and I would hear her say my name loudly in my room. Invariably, I would sit straight up in bed only to realize that I was several miles away from her. This went on for a couple of weeks, and I was becoming exhausted with lack of sleep, so I called her up after one such incident and asked if she had been up around 2 am praying for me. She had. I asked her to please do it at a more convenient time of day, because she was robbing me of sleep. Without missing a beat, she said she would. She did, and I slept well ever after. I’m not religious, so her waking me from several miles away creeps me out. Other than that sort of hoodoo connection, we are not very close.
  91. I have a soft spot for animals that are overweight, underfed, mangey, three-legged, stupid, unstable, and homicidal. This seems to be the list I check when I am considering bringing home a new pet. Needless to say, the pets don’t live long, but they do make life interesting.
  92. My favourite sweater, many good foods, the setting sun, leaves in fall, the smell of basketballs, my bird’s cheeks, and my dad’s old rotary dial telephone are all orange. I love the warmer shades of orange.
  93. My favourite stone for jewellery right now is carnelian agate, and I have a massive orange ring to prove it.
  94. I have spent most of my life wearing a lot of black clothing, but I am trying to branch out.
  95. I like really big dogs, but I am kind of afraid of them in a heart-palpitations kind of way.
  96. One time, a friend of mine and her husband broke up, so she and I went to the nearest pub to drown our sorrows. It turned out that we only had enough money for two beer each and a bunch of rounds of “Never Going Back Again” by Fleetwood Mac on the jukebox. The pub was owned by this short Greek man who insisted that two young women should never be so sad as to listen to that song all night, and he fed us ouzo shooters. Now I hate ouzo, but I still love that song.
  97. I used to pretend I was blind and practice doing things around the house. I became quite proficient at making a toasted cheese sandwich and chocolate milk exactly the way I like them.
  98. My dream job would be owning a second-hand book shop that completely closes down every February.
  99. I used to think that I hated fish, but when I started dating the Fiery One, he made me sushi rolls, and I loved them. Now I know that it is only cooked fish that I don’t like.
  100. I am able to lose things like nobody’s business. I once lost my mother’s thirty-pound Singer sewing machine.

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