Woe Is Me, Good Soup, And My Grandma's Sick

Wow, is today ever difficult. I had a sense that it would be, and so I lay awake last night staring into the dark and wondering what it could be that was going to befall me at work. I received a message on my telephone Friday evening from the human resources lady there. She sounded very grave and told me that she really needed to speak with me as soon as possible on Monday morning regarding my new position. On Friday evening, a felt some nervousness creep in, but then decided that she likely only needed me to sign some sort of contractual type papers. On Saturday, the nervousness was back, because I paused to consider the seriousness of her tone. If she just wanted me to sign some papers, why would she have sounded so serious? Her tone was really similar to the one people use when one of your relatives has died. By Sunday, I was feeling particularly insecure about my new job. They couldn't rethink it after sending me my acceptance letter, could they? By the time I crawled into bed last night, I was exhausted by the anxiety, but the anxiety kept me awake. My eyes kept popping open to check the clock. I tried lying on my left side, my right side, on my stomach with my head to the left, on my stomach with my head to the right, flat on my back, with one pillow, with two pillows, without any pillows, less blankets, more blankets. I drank water, I peed, I read, I obsessed about individual crumbs that seemed to be breeding on my sheets. I don't know when I finally did fall asleep, but when my alarm went off at 6:15 am, I was in no way, shape, or form ready to crawl out of bed and face the human resources lady when I got to work.
I arrived at work dressed in black from head to toe - suitable mourning clothes - and called up the human resources lady. When I was unable to meet with her immediately and she offered to come down to see me, I knew for sure that something of a no-good nature was up. Here is the fabulous news that she had to relate to me: there is a clause in our union agreement that allows for an employee to reverse their job change decision within three months of changing positions; the woman who left the position that I was going to fill as of next Monday has decided to reverse her job change; this woman gets to take my job which I was already accepted for while I have to stay where I am; apparently, this rarely happens and everyone feels very badly for me.
FUCK THAT, I say. FUCK THIS SYSTEM. My god, it pisses me off to no end that I was so freaking excited for the last week-and-a-half about getting out of here and getting into a job that actually exercises some of my skills. I had started going through my more officey clothing and hand-mending cuffs and buttons so that I would look like I meant it when I showed up next Monday. And I did mean it. I really wanted this job. I felt like something about me and what I can do was being acknowledged in the world in some small way for once. Now I'm stuck here for a while longer because some bitch who knows that they'd already hired someone else for her old job decides that she's just going to grab it back. I shouldn't say that. Maybe she's really nice and wound up in a really lousy department and was dealing with harassment or something. If I look at it like that, then I can see how we all kind of win. She can get herself out of a bad job situation, and I don't end up unemployed or anything, and I can always keep applying for more jobs here, because they're always coming open... but honestly, today, I DON'T FUCKING CARE. I want the job that is rightfully mine back, and I want to pout about not having it anymore, and I want the Fiery One to get back into town so I can cry on somebody's shoulder.

But enough of that. Tonight I am going to treat myself by making myself a really good supper. I am going to bake some potatoes and then make myself the awesome zucchini soup that I love so much. I never knew that I could like zucchinis until this recipe came along. It's one of those dishes that makes home feel homier and sits with a pleasant weight in my stomach. Here it is for your culinary pleasure:

Schmutzie's Creamy Zucchini Goodness Soup

1 medium onion, diced
1 - 3 tablespoons of cooking oil (depending on how much you prefer to use)
1 teaspoon cumin
1 teaspoon coriander
1 teaspoon turmeric
1 teaspoon ginger
(or skip the previous four ingredients and use 4 teaspoons of your favourite ready-made curry)
1 pinch cayenne pepper
2 cloves of garlic, minced
4 cups of vegetable soup stock
5 medium zucchinis (chopped)
(if you're short on zucchinis, throw in a potato or a couple of carrots - almost any root vegetable will do)
sour cream or plain yoghurt
Sauté the onion in the oil until it is clear and soft in a medium to large soup pot. Add the cumin, coriander, turmeric, ginger, cayenne, and garlic and continue sautéing for another three minutes. Pour in the vegetable soup stock (I usually just pour in the water and then add the soup stock base to save on time and dirty dishes). Add the zucchinis and simmer for thirty minutes or until the zucchinis are all soft and mushy. Let the soup cool for a while and then puree half of it in a blender. Add salt to taste. Put a dollop of the sour cream or plain yoghurt on top of each bowl and serve.

Before all the tossing and turning and not sleeping I was doing last night, before I decided to enter into that futile struggle against insomnia, I called my parents so that I could wish my father a happy father's day. My mother got on the telephone first and told me that my maternal grandmother is in the hospital. As of last night, we didn't know if it was anything serious or not. She has had high blood pressure for years, and yesterday it skyrocketed up to almost twice what it should be and her eyesight was blurry. We think that the high blood pressure may have caused a slight stroke, but we don't know anything yet, or rather, I don't know anything yet. I will probably find out more this evening. My reaction was so strange. It was as though an electric current ran through my body in a fast jolt, and I was left feeling cold and slightly buzzed. It has been twenty years since I felt very close to that side of the family, but the pull of family still has its strength. I hope she's all right. My mother would be absolutely devastated to lose one of her parents.

Wew, I'm kind of having a heavy day. I am missing the Fiery One terribly, because the three days that he was home in between Australia and now South Dakota he spent recovering from jet lag. I had my new job torn from my hands like we were playing some violent game of schoolyard Keepaway. My grandmother is in the hospital, and don't know what to do or feel or say about that. It makes me feel more than a little lost. Tonight, I plan on doing nothing else other than watching television and eating my zucchini soup and watching the bunny run around the living room.

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The first privately manned spaceflight has successfully ended its mission.

Iran is holding three British naval vessels.

7 spy warrants a day makes approximately 1,1871 spy warrants last year.

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