Dear Blogger: You Are Doing It Wrong
You are doing it wrong.
Our aim here is to make the internet a better place. We only come to you out of our interest in elevating public discourse and its guiding ethics so that you do not continue to jeopardize your reputation, the lives of your children, and good taste as we know it.
Here are some simple equations to illustrate our concerns:
You update your blog daily. = You must be desperate for attention.
You update your blog only now and again when the mood strikes you. = Your half-hearted attempt at keeping your blog alive makes you look like a failure.
You don't excel at one particular thing but do it anyway because you like it. = You are a narcissist with no objectivity about how others perceive you.
You are noticeably much better at one particular thing than any of the other things you do. = You are a one-trick pony with no other merit.
You do not get very many comments. = No one likes you, so why do you even bother.
You get a metric tonne of comments on every post. = Your readers are sheep who've drunk the koolaid.
You interact with your readers by replying to them in the comments. = You are making a pathetic attempt at padding your comment numbers.
You choose not to reply to every comment publicly. = You are a snob who feels that you are above interacting with your fans.
You like to write lists on your blog. = Lists are lazy and boring, and your blog is probably too far gone now to be worth saving.
You stay away from writing lists. = Buzzfeed is awesome, and you must hate success.
You post pictures of your favourite foods, some of which happens to be high in fat, carbs, salt, or gluten. = No wonder you look like crap, and you probably don't love your kids very much.
You post pictures of healthy food that would make anyone's arteries sing hallelujah. = You are lying about what you really eat, because you look like crap and your kid is fat.
You call yourself a writer. = Bloggers aren't writers, and it's embarrassing that you use that term for what you do.
You avoid calling yourself a writer. = The problem with blogs is that the people who write them aren't writers.
You bunk with other bloggers at conferences. = You are unprofessional and shouldn't go to conferences you obviously can't afford.
You rent a suite by yourself when you go to conferences. = You are what's wrong with blogging, raking in money for nothing when others have to shill for coupons.
You write about your excitement when something goes well for you. = You are insensitive to others and blind to your privilege.
You write about your disappointment when something doesn't go well for you. = You are ungrateful and blind to your privilege.
You post a photo of yourself wearing an outfit you love that you pieced together from items you already own. = You should stop trying to be a fashion blogger if you're oblivious to current trends.
You post a photo of yourself wearing a new, on trend outfit you love . = You are trying too hard and have no fashion sense of your own.
You post pictures of your friends and family on your blog. = Your brazen exploitation of people for your own gain should be illegal.
You rarely post pictures of your friends and family. = Your sad, lonely life looks sad and lonely.
I think this list covers the majority of our issues with your content. If you have any questions or would like a more in-depth analysis of our perceptions of your shortcomings, simply publish your questions on your blog, and we will gladly explain your problem areas.
Your unqualified critics and concern trolls.
UPDATE: Right after I published this entry, I went over to Liz Gumbinner's website. I had it open in a tab all day, because I wanted to read her latest entry. I must have subconsciously absorbed some of her entry earlier, though, because what was the title of her entry? "Parents: You’re all doing it wrong."
I hope she takes this unwitting copycat-ism as a compliment! Now please go read her post, because it's good, and Liz is somebody you should be reading.
This entry was cross-posted at Medium on July 23, 2015.